Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The worst thing is still happening

Previously--in my former life I could say--bad things seemed to be fleeting.  If something bad happened, often it went away eventually.
Certainly, obviously, that is not how it feels with losing a child.
The worst thing happened on June 16, 2010 when Miles died.  And the worst thing continues to be happening each day--he's not here.  He's not here today.  So the worst thing continues to be happening each day. With time, that doesn't change--I just "get used" to how that pain feels, incorporating it in who I am, how I live.

Every day is happy yet hard in its own way.
Yesterday, I saw a friend's little boy who I know was born just a few weeks after Miles.  I looked at him, and he looked at me. "That's how big Miles should be," I thought. "That's how skeptically Miles should be staring at a stranger." I smiled. And then later I cried.  And a few thoughts come to mind...

One is an epitaph but the sentiment applies to me, too...
"Step softly, a dream lies buried here."

Now Miles is in my heart and in who I am as a mother, a person, a spirit. And there's so much joy in having had him for the short time that we did. And the pain of the rest of his life unlived is right there, right under the surface for me, waiting to bubble over in tears.

And one from the bible (Philippians 1:3)...
"I thank my God for every remembrance of you."

Yes, these moments each day are painful. Yet there Miles is.  He's there in those moments.  And I feel so much love for him.


  1. I remember writing one time that one of the many hard realizations about this loss is that I can now definitively say that my happiest times are behind me. At 35 years old, that is a terrible realization. And yet for the rest of my life, I will always know that I could be happier, because Hudson could be with us. And yet I know that there is still joy ahead. The hard part is learning how to live with the joy and the pain side by side. It's still so hard to imagine right now, as I'm sure it is for you, too, Alicia. Thinking about you and wishing so much that it were different, that you were still living in your former life with a healthy little boy in your arms.

  2. Mandy, I hear you. Yes, I could be so much happier if just Miles were here. And then there's just this one super important's simply a fact that my life is so much better because I had Miles; my heart is set on--though my world is painful now, absolutely--it's better because I am Miles' mommy. So then I feel that, though I could be happier, still my life now is blessed so much more because I had him for a short while. There it is--pain and joy side by side.