To share or not to share Miles?
That is the question that is weighing most heavily on me right now.
It starts simply enough...
Mitch plays in a work softball league that has games twice a week. I go to all the games (just to cheer though I'm already trying to get recruited to play next year when I'm not 8 months pregnant!). And I sit in the dugout with the team because I'm normally the only fan and this way I can chat with the players. These folks are his work colleagues...they know each other and we're definitely friendly. Yet many of them started working with Mitch right after we lost Miles. Since we generally only see each other infrequently and typically in settings were all the conversation is rather superficial, I have never spoken to them about Miles. In fact, I don't even know if they know. It's so bizarre. And so uncomfortable for me.
It's fine if strangers don't know about Miles. Fine. But as strangers/acquaintances start to know Mitch and me better, there comes a point where it's just uncomfortable for me for them not to know about our sweet Miles. It feels like I'm hiding Miles or something. It feels fake. Basically it feels like these new friends think they know me (even at a very basic level) while I think they don't know me at all.
Mitch reminds me that in these situations no one talks about anything important. And it's not like I know anything in-depth about their lives. That's all true. And he thinks he's better adjusted about being around people who know nothing about him (that's a good and sad thing, I think). There's some truth to the fact that, especially as a currently unemployed person, essentially I don't hang out with people who I don't have some level of deeper connection with.
So then what's the solution? I need to get "used" to being around people who don't know about Miles and believe this pregnancy/baby to be my first? I need to get "used" to talking about only superficial things? Or do I spill my guts? Do I become the person who tells every intimate detail about my life? And what if that leaves the other person in shock saying, "Whoa, well, it's time for me to go play right field?" Have I really been true to how I feel and made myself less uncomfortable?
I definitely believe that I honor Miles by speaking about him at times and by protecting him and his story at other times. Some situations are rather clear cut. Others leave me really uncomfortable. I'm learning, I think, that not only is grief oftentimes very private but so is a full understanding of who I am as a person. Sure, maybe it's always been that way but now it's just so very noticeable to me and very, very hard.