I don't want for June 16 to come. I don't want the devastation and heartbreak (though those things are here regardless of the day) of that day to be relived. The sadness of Miles' death and the permanence of him not being here each and every day will always be here regardless of the date on a calendar. But, I realized today, I don't want to be past the one year mark. Most of all, I don't want for it to be more than a year since Miles was here. I think that boils down to me not wanting him to be moving further into the past while we move further into the future. And then it makes me nauseous that we'll be parents who have been grieving for more than a year--the world will want for us to be in a better place after a year, I know. That is frankly ridiculous. Yes, we work to come to a place of "peace" in our lives and to love, love, love our boy, carrying him with us as we live forward. But it doesn't get easier or better with a year.
Do I want to be frozen in time? Well, no. I'm ready for the days to come. And I know that my days will be full of joy and pain. I'm eager. Yet...
Most of all, I guess, I still want to scream that our sweet Miles is gone and it is so unfair to him not to get to have a full life. I want to scream that we have so many joys in our life and we are heartbroken. Still. And I know it will take a lifetime of grief; I will miss Miles every day of my life. The joy that I have is that, in my heart, it feels like he was just here. When I close my eyes, I can see his face so clearly and feel him in my arms. His spirit will be part of me every day--and, in that way, I know that it won't matter that we're passing the one year mark.
Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteOh, Alicia. Every word of this post resonates with me so much. I found myself nodding again and again as my heart recognized so many of these same emotions that we went through last month. The one thing I can offer, with hope that it will help, is that the actual day was not as painful as the anticipation of it was. I am just so sorry that soon you will have lived a whole year without your sweet Miles. It will never stop being so terribly wrong. Sending love during what I know is such an incredibly difficult time.
ReplyDeleteWhat you said is so true that dance between grief and joy and the intensity of those mixed emotions is exhausting at times and so hard for people who haven't been through the loss of a child to understand. I'm also anxious for us to be past our 1st anniversary later this month, it's a date filled with so much weight. I hope it brings you some comfort to know you're not alone, we're here walking beside you and thinking of you throughout this difficult time. Wishing you strength for the days ahead and peaceful moments as you remember those precious memories with Miles and the love you continue to have for him ((hugs))
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