Monday, June 13, 2011

Dear Miles (my letter from one year ago)

I wrote this letter to Miles one year ago when we lost him, and I read it at his memorial service at our family cemetery in New Hampshire. Now on the one year anniversary of his death, I'm writing a letter to him again--which is yet again a very emotional endeavor that is taking a few days. So first I'm sharing this letter to Miles, remembering how desperately I wanted him to know he was loved and how desperately I wanted him to be remembered for his charming, fighting spirit not for his death.

June 16, 2010

Dear Miles,

My sweet baby Miles, you are a treasure to us.  You showed us every day that you had such spirit and personality.  You were a sweet angel yet a mighty fighter.  You got an unfair share of troubles but also an unfair share of good looks.

I am heartbroken.  But, Miles, it is not all sadness.  Believe me that 140 days in the PICU were filled with many worries and fears.  Regardless, you filled my heart up with happiness and these are the memories that I will have always.
-Remember when you were born and your nana, daddy, me, and you made it to the hospital in the nick of time.
-Remember when your family members visited you and rubbed your head, held your hand, read to you, and sang to you to make you happy and to show you much we loved you.
-Remember when we stopped noticing the tubes and lines, and held you and rocked you.
-Remember the night you started breathing on your own, you cried and cried and nothing made you stop...until I held you and sang the Itsy Bitsy spider nonstop.  
-Remember the next day you smiled so big for your daddy and me because we were all together.
-Remember when that doctor made me cry, you gave him a dirty look.  Miles, even though you didn't know what you were doing, that was the right thing to do.
-Remember right after your second heart surgery when you were supposed to be out of it, you wiggled your hand when you heard your daddy's voice as he told you how proud he was of you.
-Remember how each of your nurses thought that she was your favorite, which was such a smart thing for you to do.  It's just that your sweet angel face, feisty personality, and slight hint of a mullet were perfectly irresistible.
-Remember how I told you that you were a celebrity.  So many people -- higher than you can count -- have prayed for you and rooted for you.  Some of those people got to meet you and see your precious little face.  Some of those people are here now.  And still others are all over and they all continue to love you.  They will help your mommy and daddy by remembering you and celebrating you always.

Miles, I cry today because I miss you and I wish you could be with us always.  I cry because we knew you so well and can imagine what it would be like to help you grow up.  I cry because I wanted a long, full life for you.  I cry because I want to hold you.  And I cry because you never got to go home with us.
But I smile because your are home in heaven now.  I smile because you will always be a treasure to us in our hearts.  I smile because you've taught us so much about life.  I smile because you're the only person who ever thought I was a good singer.  I smile because I will always remember exactly how it felt to hold you.  I smile because of something I told your daddy; I said to him, "You can't be sad for more than a second when I die because you'll know that I've gone to heaven to hold that baby."  And I smile, Miles, because you were perfect and ours and very, very loved.

XOXO, booty shake, head rub, and snuggle,
Mommy

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