Dear Miles

I wrote a letter to Miles last year and read it at his memorial service in New Hampshire. I wrote to him again this year with a heavy heart on the one year anniversary of his death...

June 16, 2011

Dear Miles,

My sweet baby boy, not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of you and held you close in my heart. The memory of your sweet face and powerful spirit make me smile. It is hard to think that it has been a year since we last held you in our arms, but I can see it and feel it so well in my heart. And that is the thing that brings me peace--to think of holding you and to think of the treasured time that we had with you that I am so grateful for.

The world is different since you left, Miles. You made my world better. In the moments when I smile and laugh and love, I think that is when I honor your memory the most.
Yet the world is a sadder place without you. Part of me left with you, and I'm glad about that. I like to think that the part of me that left is with you. You deserve that, I know. In the moments when I cry--when I see with such clarity that you, my sweet son, are gone and all of the heartbreak that brings--I think that is when I honor your memory well, too.

Miles, you have a little sister on the way. It breaks my heart that she won't get to meet you and grow up together with you. But she will know you, sweet boy. We will tell her all about you. Soon--we hope and pray--we will be doing all of the things with her that we hoped to do with you. She will remind me of you and, as I try to be a good mommy to her, I will think of being your mommy, too.

I am so sorry that you are not here, Miles. But I think of you as being with me every day and every moment...it's not in the way that I had hoped and dreamed of, but you are with me. It's hard for me to imagine where you are, but I hope and pray that it is joyful, without pain, and with so much love. I hope that you are free and happy where you are, and I hope that you can feel the special squeeze, kiss, rock, and head rub that I send you every day but especially today.

I love you, Miles.
Mommy