Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Taking the next big step

What an emotional week. I could say that I've been an emotional wreck during this emotional week, but the truth is that it's just not true. Not because I'm not a wreck but because all the emotions that I'm dealing with can't even qualify as wreck-able. I count it as of-course-I-feel-this-way. Sure it's a wreck, but really what else could I expect?

Every day there's the possibility that it could be THE DAY--it could be the day we've been hoping for and our baby girl arrives. All at the same time, I cry for Miles. It has been important for us to have these days of waiting, I think, to continue balancing all of our feelings. We've known it was coming--our transition to having a second baby...more specifically, our transition to having two children--one living and one in heaven. It has been coming, and throughout this pregnancy we've discussed the transition our lives will take, discussing the powerful emotions that go along with it. There's something about being right on the verge that makes it more real of course. And so I cry. I cry that this all feels so familiar...to be excited for this new life that has been with me for nine months and any day will really be with us. I smile for her and cry for Miles. I cry with how passionately I dream of taking her out of hospital. I cry that we didn't get to do that for Miles. I cry with the happiness over how soon I will hold her. I cry for longing to hold Miles. I cry for the life that he is missing--the scraped knees, the baseball teams, the learning to read, the fights with his sister, the growing up, the whole life he deserved. All while holding my breath and praying and hoping that she will get that chance.

Why cry so much now? I wonder. Most of all, the arrival of our baby girl is a sign that the world keeps going. There have been plenty of these signs of course. It's not a new concept really. But it is the first sign in our own household. Right here. Miles is coming with us of course on this next big step; in the ways that he can, he'll always be with us. Sure, I'll have less time to myself, I know, being busy with a newborn of course. Yet I just don't think I'll spend less time thinking about Miles. If anything, I'll be thinking of him more. Everything, I'm guessing, will continue to remind me of Miles. So the world isn't just still spinning, really it's spinning in a very familiar way to how it did when Miles was here with us. And that brings happiness and tears.

1 comment:

  1. All of this is so very, very true, Alicia. I will be thinking of you and Mitch and precious Elliott Rhea (what a beautiful name) as you make this transition that we're still figuring out ourselves. And of course, I will always be thinking of Miles and how much he will be part of your lives. Much love.