Always in the backseat

Before Miles was born, I went to the fire station for them to safely install the car seat. It was there for a month, empty and awaiting his arrival.  And then it was there for months, empty and waiting to take him home for the first time.

Miles never rode in his car seat. It's a sad thing but amid all of the truly sad things of losing Miles, it's just a drop in the bucket.

And now it's there again.  To have it ready for his little sister.
It doesn't make me sad to see it. At least, I should say, it doesn't make me any sadder than I already am.
But it does symbolize how we are waiting and ready and hopeful. So hopeful.
So really, in a way, it gives me some peace that we had it for Miles and now we have it for our baby girl.

~

A few weeks after we lost Miles, Mitch and I went on a weekend road trip, to get away, to be with Mitch's parents. On the drive, it was just the two of us, wishing it was just the three of us.

Our car's AC was out, so we took the truck only to discover that the truck's AC was out. So our windows were down, and it was loud on the highway, making it so only the important things were said.

"I wish Miles was in the backseat," I said.

Mitch said, "Me, too. But don't you think he'll kind of always be there--in the backseat with us?"

~

And so here we are. Farther down the road. With Miles always with us. Waiting any day for our sweet little Elliott Rhea.