"Feels like longer," Mitch says before carefully watching my reaction and adding, "in a good way" to make sure I'm not mad. But I'm not. I agree. Four years is a lot and our four years have felt like even longer.
It's hard to believe that four years ago was our wedding day. The pictures are so beautiful (of course I think so) and full of hope. That's what a wedding day is. And we promised to be there for each other through everything...saying the words and of course thinking that it would all be mostly good.
Now I look at those treasured wedding pictures and count. I count time just like I do for all of the photos that were taken of me before Miles was born and, though I avoid them, the select few that have been taken since he died. Our wedding photos--I count--two years, nine months later Miles will be born. Three years, one month, nineteen days later Miles will die. "How will this couple do it?" I wonder with tears in my eyes. They were naive, I know now; blissfully unaware anyway of both the unmatchable joy of their first son being born and having him here in the world and the heartbreaking pain of him dying.
Now I look at those treasured wedding pictures and count. I count time just like I do for all of the photos that were taken of me before Miles was born and, though I avoid them, the select few that have been taken since he died. Our wedding photos--I count--two years, nine months later Miles will be born. Three years, one month, nineteen days later Miles will die. "How will this couple do it?" I wonder with tears in my eyes. They were naive, I know now; blissfully unaware anyway of both the unmatchable joy of their first son being born and having him here in the world and the heartbreaking pain of him dying.
There's a lot I didn't know that day. We were in love on our wedding day. But not like we are now. Now there's a greater love for each other, a shared love of our Sweet Miles, an unmatchable life-saving level of understanding--little gifts from our little guy.
Here from LFCA -- I count time all funny like that, too. There's before and after, and everything else just sorta runs together.
ReplyDeleteMiles is just a stunning, handsome cherubic little man. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. Please know you're not alone -- I hope you can find some solace here on the web. Thinking of you all.
Here from LFCA, I'm so, so sorry for your loss and the immense grief you've endured recently. Miles was a beautiful child and it is evident he was loved tremendously during his short life.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you said about looking back at those old pictures and that naive young couple, I've thought the same about my husband & I. I never would have imagined all that awaited us down the road when we first got married, but I'm so grateful he's the one that has been with me through it all.
I hope blogging brings you some comfort & you feel surrounded by this supportive community ((hugs))
Also here from LFCA. So sorry for your tragic loss, but glad you have another little one on the way. I also lost a baby named Miles at just five months along and am now pregnant again. I'll be following along and hoping we both get healthy rainbow babies!
ReplyDeleteHi Alicia,
ReplyDeleteI'm here from LFCA and wanted to leave you a quick note.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Miles is so precious. I know that he is safe in Heaven but I so wish for you that he was still in your loving arms here on earth.
Big hugs and many prayers,
Amanda