Every time I wake up at night I watch her chest move up and down. I'm checking for breathing, reassuring myself that Elliott's been just fine these past few hours while we were both sleeping. It used to be easy to check when she was in the Moses basket next to our bed. I would peak in, sometimes slightly startling her in her sleep as I leaned in closer and closer; I was always sad to disturb her...but that was small potatoes compared to the relaxing joy I felt that she was ok. Now that she's in her crib in her little "room" (yes, our walk-in closet), it's even harder for me to check without disturbing her. A couple of nights ago, I crawled in on the floor. As I peered in, somehow she sensed it in her sleep and wiggled a little. I backed away quickly, running into the dresser and causing a huge crash. Lo and behold, she woke up.
Mitch sighs and nods. I take that to mean that he wishes I wouldn't worry. But he doesn't blame me that I do.
So I've got it in my mind that the only solution is a video monitor. With a video monitor, I won't wake her up, and I'll still get the peace of mind to know that she's breathing fine through the night. If it were cheap, I would buy it in a heartbeat. Since it's by no means cheap, I push myself to think about whether I really need it. Will the monitor really make me not worry about her health and not worry that I could suddenly lose her if I let my guard down for one second (even actually sleep at night)? Or is it just throwing money at a problem? Perhaps it's a dream world to think that a video monitor will fix anything. When you've loved a child and lost him like we did Miles, you know how precious life is. We know how precious Miles was and Elliott is. I want to do whatever is needed to make sure she stays with us and gets to live a full life; I wanted that for Miles too but wasn't able to do it. And so I realize that these dreams, these wishes are so much more than anything that can be assured by a video monitor. So maybe I won't buy it, but maybe I will because either way, let's face it, I'm going to obsess.