Showing posts with label Elliott. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Elliott. Show all posts
Monday, May 7, 2012
One line: Be in this moment
Out of the stroller and finally into the actual shopping cart seat makes Elliott the smiliest baby in town, and she looks at me each time we start and stop the cart with a million-dollar-heart-melting smile and a look that says "This is just the best moment of my life" and I smile my best smile and feel the moment and know "Be in this moment, be here right now, you have no where else to be."
Sunday, May 6, 2012
One Line A Day: The Beginning
It has been months. And I don't write. Not because there isn't anything to say, but because there is too much to say, I've decided. Too much to say and the words aren't easy. So many feelings repeat, repeat, repeat: how can this be? how heartbroken am i not to have miles with me, living the life that he so deserved? how overjoyed am i to have elliott in my life, in my arms at this moment? i am the mother to both of them, my heart is with both of them, and this is now me? For my "new normal" of a world where Miles' spirit is around me and with me as I carry him, it is this with each breath: my love, my tears, my laughter is with my husband, my baby Miles, and my sweet girl Elliott. Always plus one. Still. Always.
So maybe I'm almost done blogging. While my love for my Miles, my joy over his life, my pain for his loss are certainly not fading, maybe my days of writing are fading.
But I need to find the words. And so I will try one line a day.
One line a day. It will be easier, I think. The task of writing just one sentence is surely one I can tackle, I encourage myself. Yet, there it is again: if there's so much to say, the limit of only one line seems impossible. Surely it will only tell part of the story. But that is life at times, isn't it? Sharing snippets, making sense of one bit at a time. And the only way to get the whole story is to put all of them together, a lifetime of them, it seems.
My line today:
Elliott stands while clutching the couch, she laughs, she claps, she plops down to "read" her books, she sucks on all strings she can get her hands on, she takes my breath away and leaves me thinking: the days are long but the years are short.
So maybe I'm almost done blogging. While my love for my Miles, my joy over his life, my pain for his loss are certainly not fading, maybe my days of writing are fading.
But I need to find the words. And so I will try one line a day.
One line a day. It will be easier, I think. The task of writing just one sentence is surely one I can tackle, I encourage myself. Yet, there it is again: if there's so much to say, the limit of only one line seems impossible. Surely it will only tell part of the story. But that is life at times, isn't it? Sharing snippets, making sense of one bit at a time. And the only way to get the whole story is to put all of them together, a lifetime of them, it seems.
My line today:
Elliott stands while clutching the couch, she laughs, she claps, she plops down to "read" her books, she sucks on all strings she can get her hands on, she takes my breath away and leaves me thinking: the days are long but the years are short.
Monday, February 6, 2012
She brings us happiness, there is no question
I wonder what life will be like for Elliott.
I focus on each day with her--drinking up the moments, delighting in her new laughs, giving her slightly dirty looks when she declares "da da" and nothing else, swaddling her tightly for her naps as soon as she rubs her eyes, sitting silently (she hunger strikes if I talk at all) in our usual chair for breastfeeding, calculating that I've now fed her over 1,400 times (no wonder it feels like it's the main thing we do), watching her roll across the room, feeding her spoonfuls of new foods that she scarfs down even while making faces at it, feeling like the best person in the world when she smiles so big when she sees me for the first time after a nap or from the car seat in the back seat.
There's no need to think too far down the road. Don't wish away right now, I know, I know it so well.
But now, when I see other little girls, I realize that Elliott will someday be a little girl, too.
At the mall, the girl scouts hawked their cookies. I felt compelled to buy them--and not because oh, my, goodness, can I possibly pass up thin mints--but because maybe Elliott will be a girl scout some day and, let it be known, everyone better buy cookies from her. And so I wonder, will Elliott want to be a girl scout? And then there's the little girls' section at the department store is full of short skirts and clothes that make me feel old. Will Elliott want to wear this garbage (and will her daddy throw a hissy fit?)?
Time will tell of course. But then I wonder about some questions that just don't have answers:
Will she feel like the oldest child in our family? Will she have the qualities of an oldest child?
And the most important questions, I realize:
Will she know how much we love her? Will she know how much we miss Miles AND how much happiness she brings us--will she know that both of those things can exist at the exact same time?
I focus on each day with her--drinking up the moments, delighting in her new laughs, giving her slightly dirty looks when she declares "da da" and nothing else, swaddling her tightly for her naps as soon as she rubs her eyes, sitting silently (she hunger strikes if I talk at all) in our usual chair for breastfeeding, calculating that I've now fed her over 1,400 times (no wonder it feels like it's the main thing we do), watching her roll across the room, feeding her spoonfuls of new foods that she scarfs down even while making faces at it, feeling like the best person in the world when she smiles so big when she sees me for the first time after a nap or from the car seat in the back seat.
There's no need to think too far down the road. Don't wish away right now, I know, I know it so well.
But now, when I see other little girls, I realize that Elliott will someday be a little girl, too.
At the mall, the girl scouts hawked their cookies. I felt compelled to buy them--and not because oh, my, goodness, can I possibly pass up thin mints--but because maybe Elliott will be a girl scout some day and, let it be known, everyone better buy cookies from her. And so I wonder, will Elliott want to be a girl scout? And then there's the little girls' section at the department store is full of short skirts and clothes that make me feel old. Will Elliott want to wear this garbage (and will her daddy throw a hissy fit?)?
Time will tell of course. But then I wonder about some questions that just don't have answers:
Will she feel like the oldest child in our family? Will she have the qualities of an oldest child?
And the most important questions, I realize:
Will she know how much we love her? Will she know how much we miss Miles AND how much happiness she brings us--will she know that both of those things can exist at the exact same time?
Thursday, September 22, 2011
On schedule
After 10 weeks of feeding "on demand," I'm now a scheduler. Feeding on demand was often a nightmare really. Thankfully she's been a great night sleeper (knock on wood, knock on wood, I know) but then she's really been on the fussy side during the days...Elliott would get fussy and seemingly want to eat every hour to two hours during the day. Seriously, she would eat and then we would all just wonder when she'd want to eat again--knowing that it would probably be pretty soon. She'd never really get filled up and I was going crazy. Even adding in formula wasn't helping. In sum: no one was all that full or all that happy.
SO I'm going Babywise. It happened quickly. Mitch was on call the night before last and when he walked in the door at 6:30 am, I said, "Elliott's now on a schedule. She eats at 6 AM, 9 AM, 12 PM, 3 PM, 6 PM, and 9 PM." And then I left for the dentist--hey, why not live it up? Pretty much that was it. I was fearful (understatement of the year) that Elliott would be upset and crying for food between feedings. But she totally didn't. She also didn't sleep really AT ALL during the day...no matter how many times I explained to her that she needed to follow the eat, wake, sleep cycle, she kept her eyes open. "I have to keep my eye on you, mommy, you've got a fire under your ass evidently," is what she must have been thinking.
Today was day 2 of The Schedule. She rocked it, eating right on schedule and actually napping (with a bit of help from me, the paci, her sleep sheep, the rocker, but, hey, she's two months old and Rome wasn't built in a day). She even slept in her crib for a bit which is practically a first in her lifetime.
Life-changing. Yes, my life has improved already, but this change has also led to a few tears...and not just from Elliott. Since I'm trying to get Elliott to sleep her naps in the crib (instead of being held, which I've indulged her in for too long, I know), I tried soothing her in new ways today that somehow I just never needed because putting her to the breast or bouncing her around were always so easy to do. Essentially today I suddenly found myself soothing her in the ways I soothed Miles in the hospital. I patted her diaper until she relaxed, whispered in her ear while she listened, caressed her head until she slept. After watching her drift off to sleep so peacefully, I closed my eyes and cried while I stroked her head from back to front, thinking of the hours that I had done that for Miles.
SO I'm going Babywise. It happened quickly. Mitch was on call the night before last and when he walked in the door at 6:30 am, I said, "Elliott's now on a schedule. She eats at 6 AM, 9 AM, 12 PM, 3 PM, 6 PM, and 9 PM." And then I left for the dentist--hey, why not live it up? Pretty much that was it. I was fearful (understatement of the year) that Elliott would be upset and crying for food between feedings. But she totally didn't. She also didn't sleep really AT ALL during the day...no matter how many times I explained to her that she needed to follow the eat, wake, sleep cycle, she kept her eyes open. "I have to keep my eye on you, mommy, you've got a fire under your ass evidently," is what she must have been thinking.
Today was day 2 of The Schedule. She rocked it, eating right on schedule and actually napping (with a bit of help from me, the paci, her sleep sheep, the rocker, but, hey, she's two months old and Rome wasn't built in a day). She even slept in her crib for a bit which is practically a first in her lifetime.
Life-changing. Yes, my life has improved already, but this change has also led to a few tears...and not just from Elliott. Since I'm trying to get Elliott to sleep her naps in the crib (instead of being held, which I've indulged her in for too long, I know), I tried soothing her in new ways today that somehow I just never needed because putting her to the breast or bouncing her around were always so easy to do. Essentially today I suddenly found myself soothing her in the ways I soothed Miles in the hospital. I patted her diaper until she relaxed, whispered in her ear while she listened, caressed her head until she slept. After watching her drift off to sleep so peacefully, I closed my eyes and cried while I stroked her head from back to front, thinking of the hours that I had done that for Miles.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Love by the ounce
We hit Elliott's four week mark today...and as I reflect back on the four weeks, it's quite easy to figure out what we've done with that time...breastfeeding.
Yes, breastfeeding is my new full time job. Or hobby. Or quality time with my sweet girl. Or apparently my current purpose in life according to Elliott!
And one more thing...after pumping and freezing milk for three months for Miles (though he never got to drink the milk and I donated it to the Milk Bank in Raleigh after his death), this time is all the more special and important to me. Just like I felt when pumping for Miles, breastfeeding Elliott feels like one of the best things I can do for her and is a special bond between us. And now as I hold her close, I treasure the time and closeness and our special connection even more.
Yes, breastfeeding is my new full time job. Or hobby. Or quality time with my sweet girl. Or apparently my current purpose in life according to Elliott!
She loves to eat, and I'm quite happy about that. However, she's not the fastest eater around. I can already tell that she'll be like Mitch and will take hours to eat a meal. (Great! They can eat together while I've already finished and moved on to doing something else.) In the meantime, this means lots of quality time for Elliott and me. It's sort of nice so long as I don't plan on accomplishing anything else. At all.
So...my first time away from her, I ran to the grocery store in an attempt to be normal. It ended up being really emotional for me. I teared up as I drove and was just overwhelmed by what would happen to her if something happened to me. Specifically, I was panicked by the idea of her not being fed without me. I just found myself so connected to her and how she relied on me and how I really wanted to provide every little thing she could ever need in life. "I don't want to die," I found myself thinking. It's a basic or an extreme thing to think, depending on how you look at it. And it's not like I had previously been thinking anything different than that...but I think it boils down to feeling responsible for another little human for the first time since Miles died. In addition to being hormonal and just desperately in love with our new little girl, I simply want to have a life full of memories with her.
About a week later, I worried that I wasn't producing enough milk. (It seems that the worry over milk production is probably not a big concern after all but it can just be added to the list of things that I've been worried about these past few weeks.) It was devastating to me. In a practical way, I can say that it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if she ended up needed some formula along with breastmilk. In reality, though, it's a lot more complicated than that for me. I just want for everything to be perfect for Elliott. I want to be able to provide everything that she needs, and I want for life to be "simple" for her in a way that just wasn't possible for Miles. It's not a good line of thinking to become dedicated to--so I've been trying to get off my perfectionist kick immediately--yet I can see why I am so protective of her after feeling so out-of-control with Miles' health concerns and time in the hospital and after losing him. Surely that's reasonable.
So...my first time away from her, I ran to the grocery store in an attempt to be normal. It ended up being really emotional for me. I teared up as I drove and was just overwhelmed by what would happen to her if something happened to me. Specifically, I was panicked by the idea of her not being fed without me. I just found myself so connected to her and how she relied on me and how I really wanted to provide every little thing she could ever need in life. "I don't want to die," I found myself thinking. It's a basic or an extreme thing to think, depending on how you look at it. And it's not like I had previously been thinking anything different than that...but I think it boils down to feeling responsible for another little human for the first time since Miles died. In addition to being hormonal and just desperately in love with our new little girl, I simply want to have a life full of memories with her.
About a week later, I worried that I wasn't producing enough milk. (It seems that the worry over milk production is probably not a big concern after all but it can just be added to the list of things that I've been worried about these past few weeks.) It was devastating to me. In a practical way, I can say that it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if she ended up needed some formula along with breastmilk. In reality, though, it's a lot more complicated than that for me. I just want for everything to be perfect for Elliott. I want to be able to provide everything that she needs, and I want for life to be "simple" for her in a way that just wasn't possible for Miles. It's not a good line of thinking to become dedicated to--so I've been trying to get off my perfectionist kick immediately--yet I can see why I am so protective of her after feeling so out-of-control with Miles' health concerns and time in the hospital and after losing him. Surely that's reasonable.
And one more thing...after pumping and freezing milk for three months for Miles (though he never got to drink the milk and I donated it to the Milk Bank in Raleigh after his death), this time is all the more special and important to me. Just like I felt when pumping for Miles, breastfeeding Elliott feels like one of the best things I can do for her and is a special bond between us. And now as I hold her close, I treasure the time and closeness and our special connection even more.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
A bigger tshirt (and a timeline of pregnancy photos)
I finally broke down yesterday and bought an XL tshirt from Target. I was trying to hold out and not spend money on maternity clothes--my strategy is to wear borrowed maternity clothes or the maternity dresses my mom has sewn for me (yes, I'm spoiled in that way) or carefully-chosen normal clothes from my closet (yes, just practically bust out of them...it's attractive). Even Mitch's tshirts are now too tight on my belly so it was time. Hopefully this baby girl is getting bigger...I definitely am.
I haven't taken many photos during this pregnancy. As I've mentioned, I avoid photos in general now because I don't like to see myself frozen in time; somehow that makes the pain worse because it makes it so that I see the pain as well as feeling it. It's just impossible for me to look at a photo of myself and not think, "Miles should be there with me." Still, I do have a few prego photos to put in baby girl's baby book (mostly I've just had to crop other people out of the few random photos I have). I bought a special baby book just for her. It's big; it's notebook-sized so that it's identical to the one I had to take to the bookbinder for our encyclopedia-of-Miles. I don't want her to feel like mommy skimped on her baby book!
Anyway, I'll have to handle my issue with taking photos, I promise myself, once baby girl is here. Just like Miles was able to do, she'll turn her daddy and me into photographers, I know.
In the meantime, here's my timeline of pregnancy photos right up to today's shot in my new Target tshirt.
34 weeks to go (yes, we're dressed for golfing)...
24 weeks to go (my pregnancy was still top secret)...
17 weeks to go...
10 weeks to go (I used to think scarves hid my baby bump)...
6 weeks to go...
Bigger and bigger. Bigger on the outside and bigger on the inside...making room in my heart for another little love of my life. Yes, I love this little one so much. I'm looking forward to her joining our family--Mitch, me, Miles, and baby girl.
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