It has been months. And I don't write. Not because there isn't anything to say, but because there is too much to say, I've decided. Too much to say and the words aren't easy. So many feelings repeat, repeat, repeat: how can this be? how heartbroken am i not to have miles with me, living the life that he so deserved? how overjoyed am i to have elliott in my life, in my arms at this moment? i am the mother to both of them, my heart is with both of them, and this is now me? For my "new normal" of a world where Miles' spirit is around me and with me as I carry him, it is this with each breath: my love, my tears, my laughter is with my husband, my baby Miles, and my sweet girl Elliott. Always plus one. Still. Always.
So maybe I'm almost done blogging. While my love for my Miles, my joy over his life, my pain for his loss are certainly not fading, maybe my days of writing are fading.
But I need to find the words. And so I will try one line a day.
One line a day. It will be easier, I think. The task of writing just one sentence is surely one I can tackle, I encourage myself. Yet, there it is again: if there's so much to say, the limit of only one line seems impossible. Surely it will only tell part of the story. But that is life at times, isn't it? Sharing snippets, making sense of one bit at a time. And the only way to get the whole story is to put all of them together, a lifetime of them, it seems.
My line today:
Elliott stands while clutching the couch, she laughs, she claps, she plops down to "read" her books, she sucks on all strings she can get her hands on, she takes my breath away and leaves me thinking: the days are long but the years are short.